I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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