I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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