I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
