I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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