Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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