I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
