I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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