new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Randomize
