the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
