Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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