I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
