I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
