Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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