I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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