So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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