My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
