I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
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I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
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Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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