I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
