get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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