thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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