Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
