when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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