Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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