i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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