Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
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Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
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Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"