Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
