the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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