i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
