Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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