I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
