Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
