he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
