Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
