I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
