Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
