The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
