Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just puked most of my soul out..
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