I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
