My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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