i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
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If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
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Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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