There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
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I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
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Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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