i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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