My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
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He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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