ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
