It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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