my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
