I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
