I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
