I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
