I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
