My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.