Ambien. No doubt about it.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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