OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
