I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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