he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
