Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
