So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have fence marks all over my body
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
